I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
