There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
