I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
