Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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