apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
