The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Randomize
