it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
