Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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