So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
