i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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