I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
