So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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