Who wears a wallet chain?!
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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