This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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