I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
