I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
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