Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Someone signed my nipple.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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