i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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