I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
