Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
