one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
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