the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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