if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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