I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
