Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
