your parents love me but you hate me
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
