My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
