Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
