i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
