I'm so fucking centered right now
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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