put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
