he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
zippers are such a cool invention
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
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