i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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