I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
