There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
