New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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