good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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