How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
wat bout pragnant strippers??
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
