This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My feet surprised me
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