One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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