I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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