Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
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this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
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Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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