Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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