My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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