Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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