I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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