that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
