Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
