a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
