Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
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