Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize