Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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