please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
