Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
