I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
