and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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