I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
