I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
ok first of all what the fuck
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
