Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Randomize
