you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
